I don't get doctors sometimes. You get put on a medicine, they take you off of it and things get worse. I use to think back before I was on medicine that it was just me.

I hate being like this. Life is overwhelming.

Who am I?

It seems like lately, I've become more and more depressed. Lost in my own thoughts. Lost in my own world. Sometimes thinking if medicine is even helping me or just making me tired and not wanting to do anything. I don't fit in half my pants anymore, it bothers me and then it doesn't. I want to get healthy again and again I don't care. When people ask if I'm alright, I reply yes. I sometimes don't even know who I am anymore. What happened to me? What happened to that awesome Erin that would get excited over everything? Who was outgoing and spunky. Was it becoming a wife and mother? Was it just me hiding from the actual pain I was in? I wish I wasn't like this, but then again who does? No one. That's it


No one.

It's been a hard fucking few days for me. Don't know why, it's a mixture of emotions. I want to burst out and cry. I want to give up. I get jealous of my daughter. I feel like I have no emotions at times. I feel like technology is messing up mine and Jason's relationship. I'm writing this from my phone so I will probably have typos and will fix it later.

In other news, I bought a new lens last week. It's amazing and I just want to take pictures of everything. Especially Layla. She is my little muse.

I get asked, what's wrong. I want to say everything but that is so vague. But seriously I have a scramble of a brain when I think something's wrong and my mine goes aray. Can I just be normal? Nope.

Layla's New Obsession

So the past week, we have come to learn that Layla's new obsession is one thing: MINNIE MOUSE. This definitely brings me back to my childhood. I was in LOVE with Mickey and Minnie Mouse. IN LOVE. That's all I ever wanted while growing up, Mickey or Minnie. So, to my delight I was excited that she has become so engrossed in Minnie. I had already given her my old Minnie Mouse dolls, the ones that my parents have been able to salvage. There is this one Minnie, however, I was so in love with. She was a bath time Minnie Mouse and changed colors when it was under water, and is 25 years old. 25!! Ugh, I feel old. This is Layla's favorite Minnie. This morning, she was in her room, digging around in her toy box, and she came out into the living room with just one toy. This Minnie Mouse! The one that I adored while growing up and obsessed about. Now, I am so excited I can pass something down to her.

It also gave me a chance to play with this new lens I am renting. I am glad I decided to rent the lens before considering buying it. I can't wait to use it more within the next two weeks that I have with it. By the way, its the Canon 35mm 1.4.  I LOVE IT. Such sharp images and the wide aperture and low depth of field. Something I have always obsessed over. I am stoked to share more images within the next few weeks, but mostly this blog post is about Layla and her new Minnie obsession. Now, another thing to add to the Christmas list to get for her (as well as Paw Patrol). So here's two photos I took of Layla and her new (but old) Minnie.

CHRISTMAS PJs!!

I HAVE THE CUTEST BABY EVERRRRR

Of course she's not looking at the camera. 

Eating out with a toddler...

So, I haven't been at my best today because I just felt bleh. My mind was array, at the fact that I wanted so many things with either not enough time or money or just felt bad if I left my husband with Layla when we are a family and should be doing family things.

So, instead of pouting all day, we decided to try out this new sushi place across the way from where we live called "Jumping Rice & Rolls". It was ok, but trying new places out with a toddler is kinda complicated. She is a toddler now so she INSISTS on NOT sitting in a high chair, she will not sit still, and will put her hands on everything. She grabbed a handful of Jason's noodles and stuffed the whole fistful in her mouth. After that, her greasy hands were everywhere, on the booth, the walls, Jason and the table. I handled it pretty well, considering I don't have a lot of patience at home.

Sometimes I even consider having another kid to keep her occupied when she gets a little older. Otherwise, she needs some entertainment ALL THE TIME. She is normally really great about it, but sometimes I want to pull my hair out and there are days where I just want to sit in my room under the covers all day. As she is getting older and more independent, we have come to realize that she is a HUGE Daddy's girl. Sometimes I think she hates me. I feel like it might be because I'm not as cuddly as daddy but every time I try she pushes me away and sometimes even scratches my face. When she wants comfort I try to hold and console her but when my husband comes into the room, she reaches out for him and I feel so deflated. I know it's not her fault, but I'm starting to take it to heart. Even though I know I shouldn't, that I know it's a good thing, but sometimes I want a photo with her, I want to read to her, I want to cuddle with her without her throwing a fit and running to my husband. My husband and I have two different ways of raising her. He wants to baby her and soothe her, do what makes her happy. Myself, on the other hand, I want her to throw her tantrums, if she cries when we put her in bed, we leave her because we KNOW she's tired, but if she starts to put up a fuss, Jason just wants to pick her up and soothe her. I just let him because I know it makes her happy.

At least I can dress her with style, and how I want. She's my dress up doll, and my mini-me.

Any who random post, so here's some photos!

Thanksgiving Attire

I couldn't wait to break out her flannel scarf and Santa Shirt!

 From this afternoon at the new place we dined at!

I gotta keep on dreaming

So I have been obsesssing over a new camera for the past few months and I really want a new one. So if anyone would like to donate $4,000 to me for a new camera I would greatly appreciate it! It's pretty much the only professional camera I would like. I just really want a full frame camera. My husband says if my camera now (I have a canon t3i) can make the money for the new camera, then by all means I can buy it. Well, of course! DUH! So, I need my models to build a portfolio, and you can be featured on my blog!

This is the camera I REALLY want. The Canon Mark D III


This is the camera I currently have:

I also have the cheapest lens for portrait photography the 50mm 1.8. Which my take is a good enough lens that gets the job done.

So, if anyone is willing to donate 4k to me, I'd really appreciate it! I'll pay you back eventually! 

Another thing that bugs me, I don't have any natural light in my house, so for a photographer this really BUGS me. I guess I could also invest in a light kit. Whenever I use my phone for any photo, it is always dark. ARG! 

Anyway, there are always things I want that can make me happy, but I have to hold myself back from buying them. Whether it be a down comforter (white!), New couch, dressers(for Layla's room and ours) and something to go over our TV because the blank space is screaming to be decorated. Whenever I become manic, I have to calm myself and I slowly knock myself back into place. I had a talk with my brother last night (whom is also bi-polar) and we realized that my addiction is my body. I obsess over it, and I will never NOT stop obsessing and it's a sad thing that I have an addiction over it. It's not the easiest thing to deal with. Although it's not alcohol or drugs and even buying BIG things, I do have an addiction and sometime it can be unhealthy. Some days, I'm fine with how I look, other days I completely hate myself and feel guilty for never looking the best. I mean, stretch marks from pregnancy, C-section scar, that "pooch" moms get after pregnancy. I'm working on it, I did the Whole30 diet(lost 10 lbs in 3 weeks), worked out with a trainer telling my what to do and what to eat (lost 7lbs and been the healthiest I have ever been), So I have the tools and knowledge to better myself in that field, but I have not eaten the best. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I would stop being so hard on myself, and that's what my therapist has repeatedly told me. To stop being so hard on myself. Whether it be my body or being a mother, I just have to stop. You know how hard it is? VERY hard. So having this blog certainly does help keep my mind off things. It keeps me occupied. So whoever takes the time out of their day to read my stuff, THANK YOU. You have no idea how much this means to me, feeling like my voice is out there and people listen. Y'all the best. I hope you guys are having an amazing Sunday, I'm currently sipping on some iced team and watching football(go Niners!) (although I would rather it be baseball - huge SF Giants fan - proud of my boys!!) and Layla is taking a nap. 

So, in ending...I need to find my binder my trainer wrote up as a plan for me and look at it...maybe join a gym and go twice a week without feeling guilty for going. 

Tootles!

xoxoxo

Erin