I gotta keep on dreaming

So I have been obsesssing over a new camera for the past few months and I really want a new one. So if anyone would like to donate $4,000 to me for a new camera I would greatly appreciate it! It's pretty much the only professional camera I would like. I just really want a full frame camera. My husband says if my camera now (I have a canon t3i) can make the money for the new camera, then by all means I can buy it. Well, of course! DUH! So, I need my models to build a portfolio, and you can be featured on my blog!

This is the camera I REALLY want. The Canon Mark D III


This is the camera I currently have:

I also have the cheapest lens for portrait photography the 50mm 1.8. Which my take is a good enough lens that gets the job done.

So, if anyone is willing to donate 4k to me, I'd really appreciate it! I'll pay you back eventually! 

Another thing that bugs me, I don't have any natural light in my house, so for a photographer this really BUGS me. I guess I could also invest in a light kit. Whenever I use my phone for any photo, it is always dark. ARG! 

Anyway, there are always things I want that can make me happy, but I have to hold myself back from buying them. Whether it be a down comforter (white!), New couch, dressers(for Layla's room and ours) and something to go over our TV because the blank space is screaming to be decorated. Whenever I become manic, I have to calm myself and I slowly knock myself back into place. I had a talk with my brother last night (whom is also bi-polar) and we realized that my addiction is my body. I obsess over it, and I will never NOT stop obsessing and it's a sad thing that I have an addiction over it. It's not the easiest thing to deal with. Although it's not alcohol or drugs and even buying BIG things, I do have an addiction and sometime it can be unhealthy. Some days, I'm fine with how I look, other days I completely hate myself and feel guilty for never looking the best. I mean, stretch marks from pregnancy, C-section scar, that "pooch" moms get after pregnancy. I'm working on it, I did the Whole30 diet(lost 10 lbs in 3 weeks), worked out with a trainer telling my what to do and what to eat (lost 7lbs and been the healthiest I have ever been), So I have the tools and knowledge to better myself in that field, but I have not eaten the best. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I would stop being so hard on myself, and that's what my therapist has repeatedly told me. To stop being so hard on myself. Whether it be my body or being a mother, I just have to stop. You know how hard it is? VERY hard. So having this blog certainly does help keep my mind off things. It keeps me occupied. So whoever takes the time out of their day to read my stuff, THANK YOU. You have no idea how much this means to me, feeling like my voice is out there and people listen. Y'all the best. I hope you guys are having an amazing Sunday, I'm currently sipping on some iced team and watching football(go Niners!) (although I would rather it be baseball - huge SF Giants fan - proud of my boys!!) and Layla is taking a nap. 

So, in ending...I need to find my binder my trainer wrote up as a plan for me and look at it...maybe join a gym and go twice a week without feeling guilty for going. 

Tootles!

xoxoxo

Erin