Don't call the Suicide Prevention Line.

Like the titles says, please don't call the Suicide Prevention line. I'm not suicidal. Just read.

You know how when your therapist or psychiatrist asks you in the beginning of your sessions (like, in the real beginning when you start to fill out forms) if you have felt or are feeling suicidal? Well, I tell them no, of course not! Well, sometimes that's a lie, and I hate it. I don't like feeling that way at all, but sometimes I do. Not just randomly like "oh i want to kill myself" it's more like, they deserve better than what I can give. I hate myself (no really),I don't feel worthy for the life I have created and for the life I lead. Sometimes, I feel like a horrible person because one morning I cannot get up with my daughter because it's one of those "days". It use to be worse than this.

There are times, when things are the best they have ever been. I live off of those things and try to thrive on those moments, reminding myself that THIS is why we live. We live to make others happy, but for most of all (especially me) to make yourself happy. I'm not trying to say be selfish and buy everything and anything you want, I'm saying is that you need to feel like your life is the best it is, you need to feel like you belong in the life you live in . You can make yourself happy, slowly and surely.

Please don't judge me. Although I know some of you are. I can now say there is a reason to my madness, although sometimes I don't feel like it's the best for me, but it's true. I can finally say why I am the way I am, and not have to feel (too) horrible about it. I was recently diagnosed with Bi-Polar type 2 disorder and anxiety disorder. Although, you might not think it's a big deal, it is. Of course, it's not the worse of the two, but spend at least one day in my brain (especially not on my medication) then you MIGHT get why the first sentence in this blog is so important.  I get my highs, it can vary to feeling like I can do ANYTHING, to feeling very anxious and my brain is a scramble, it's like a REAL high, like when you're on some trippy drugs. My lows, however, are the worst. They are getting better over time, but sometimes (like recently), I get really bad (insert sad face right here). Just the other day, it took one moment before taking a shower and before taking my clothes off I took one look in the mirror and broke down and ran out the bathroom into the living room and started bawling, scratching at my arms, not knowing how to control my sadness. I was doing so well with my body, eating healthy, working out, being happy with myself and now I just threw it all away...all in a month!  It took a straight day and a half to get back to my senses. I know it's worse for others and I keep telling myself that, but I have to come to terms with it. This is ME, this is MY flaw and ME. This is what makes me unique.

I hide it to a lot of people (well, probably not anymore), because I don't want people to judge me. I hate being judge and criticized (I could never be a writer, HA! What was I thinking when I was in high school). I can't handle rejection very well, but I can reject all my loved ones easily. I am a hypocrite and the nicest person you will meet. All at the same time. I can put on a front and make you believe I am the happiest person and my life is amazing, but deep down inside, I want better for my family, I sometimes can't handle being a mom or wife and I just don't know what to do with myself because I LOVE food, but I don't want to gain weight, I sometime despise healthy food because it's not pizza. I hate being around people because they make me anxious, wondering if they're mentally judging or making fun of my looks, how I raise our daughter or when I pick my nose in public (well, honestly, I don't care about the last part). Before I started taking my medicine, I would go to the mall with my family and need to leave 20 minutes later because I would start having panic attacks and my anxiety would be at an all time high. I would post something on Instagram or Facebook and delete it in a few minutes because I was afraid people would poke fun at me, or judge me. I use the word judge alot. It's true. this is a real problem I have at times. I use to not care what people thought. In high school I was an AWESOME person, or so it seemed.

Anyways, I have written a lot for my first blog post. I guess you can see that this is a pretty deep and personal post but I honestly had to get it off my chest because I've been holding this in for a few months. This blog is going to vary from helping myself cope with MYSELF, to exploiting my family and friends (hehe, jk). Maybe I'll start doing a DIYer, because I need to teach myself to become creative. Well, here's my blog post. And here's a beautiful picture of my daughter and her best friend Dustin (son of MY best friend Christina - who also has a blog! Christinareid.blogspot.com. Tootles!

XoXoXo
Erin