Layla's New Obsession

So the past week, we have come to learn that Layla's new obsession is one thing: MINNIE MOUSE. This definitely brings me back to my childhood. I was in LOVE with Mickey and Minnie Mouse. IN LOVE. That's all I ever wanted while growing up, Mickey or Minnie. So, to my delight I was excited that she has become so engrossed in Minnie. I had already given her my old Minnie Mouse dolls, the ones that my parents have been able to salvage. There is this one Minnie, however, I was so in love with. She was a bath time Minnie Mouse and changed colors when it was under water, and is 25 years old. 25!! Ugh, I feel old. This is Layla's favorite Minnie. This morning, she was in her room, digging around in her toy box, and she came out into the living room with just one toy. This Minnie Mouse! The one that I adored while growing up and obsessed about. Now, I am so excited I can pass something down to her.

It also gave me a chance to play with this new lens I am renting. I am glad I decided to rent the lens before considering buying it. I can't wait to use it more within the next two weeks that I have with it. By the way, its the Canon 35mm 1.4.  I LOVE IT. Such sharp images and the wide aperture and low depth of field. Something I have always obsessed over. I am stoked to share more images within the next few weeks, but mostly this blog post is about Layla and her new Minnie obsession. Now, another thing to add to the Christmas list to get for her (as well as Paw Patrol). So here's two photos I took of Layla and her new (but old) Minnie.

CHRISTMAS PJs!!

I HAVE THE CUTEST BABY EVERRRRR

Of course she's not looking at the camera. 

Eating out with a toddler...

So, I haven't been at my best today because I just felt bleh. My mind was array, at the fact that I wanted so many things with either not enough time or money or just felt bad if I left my husband with Layla when we are a family and should be doing family things.

So, instead of pouting all day, we decided to try out this new sushi place across the way from where we live called "Jumping Rice & Rolls". It was ok, but trying new places out with a toddler is kinda complicated. She is a toddler now so she INSISTS on NOT sitting in a high chair, she will not sit still, and will put her hands on everything. She grabbed a handful of Jason's noodles and stuffed the whole fistful in her mouth. After that, her greasy hands were everywhere, on the booth, the walls, Jason and the table. I handled it pretty well, considering I don't have a lot of patience at home.

Sometimes I even consider having another kid to keep her occupied when she gets a little older. Otherwise, she needs some entertainment ALL THE TIME. She is normally really great about it, but sometimes I want to pull my hair out and there are days where I just want to sit in my room under the covers all day. As she is getting older and more independent, we have come to realize that she is a HUGE Daddy's girl. Sometimes I think she hates me. I feel like it might be because I'm not as cuddly as daddy but every time I try she pushes me away and sometimes even scratches my face. When she wants comfort I try to hold and console her but when my husband comes into the room, she reaches out for him and I feel so deflated. I know it's not her fault, but I'm starting to take it to heart. Even though I know I shouldn't, that I know it's a good thing, but sometimes I want a photo with her, I want to read to her, I want to cuddle with her without her throwing a fit and running to my husband. My husband and I have two different ways of raising her. He wants to baby her and soothe her, do what makes her happy. Myself, on the other hand, I want her to throw her tantrums, if she cries when we put her in bed, we leave her because we KNOW she's tired, but if she starts to put up a fuss, Jason just wants to pick her up and soothe her. I just let him because I know it makes her happy.

At least I can dress her with style, and how I want. She's my dress up doll, and my mini-me.

Any who random post, so here's some photos!

Thanksgiving Attire

I couldn't wait to break out her flannel scarf and Santa Shirt!

 From this afternoon at the new place we dined at!

I gotta keep on dreaming

So I have been obsesssing over a new camera for the past few months and I really want a new one. So if anyone would like to donate $4,000 to me for a new camera I would greatly appreciate it! It's pretty much the only professional camera I would like. I just really want a full frame camera. My husband says if my camera now (I have a canon t3i) can make the money for the new camera, then by all means I can buy it. Well, of course! DUH! So, I need my models to build a portfolio, and you can be featured on my blog!

This is the camera I REALLY want. The Canon Mark D III


This is the camera I currently have:

I also have the cheapest lens for portrait photography the 50mm 1.8. Which my take is a good enough lens that gets the job done.

So, if anyone is willing to donate 4k to me, I'd really appreciate it! I'll pay you back eventually! 

Another thing that bugs me, I don't have any natural light in my house, so for a photographer this really BUGS me. I guess I could also invest in a light kit. Whenever I use my phone for any photo, it is always dark. ARG! 

Anyway, there are always things I want that can make me happy, but I have to hold myself back from buying them. Whether it be a down comforter (white!), New couch, dressers(for Layla's room and ours) and something to go over our TV because the blank space is screaming to be decorated. Whenever I become manic, I have to calm myself and I slowly knock myself back into place. I had a talk with my brother last night (whom is also bi-polar) and we realized that my addiction is my body. I obsess over it, and I will never NOT stop obsessing and it's a sad thing that I have an addiction over it. It's not the easiest thing to deal with. Although it's not alcohol or drugs and even buying BIG things, I do have an addiction and sometime it can be unhealthy. Some days, I'm fine with how I look, other days I completely hate myself and feel guilty for never looking the best. I mean, stretch marks from pregnancy, C-section scar, that "pooch" moms get after pregnancy. I'm working on it, I did the Whole30 diet(lost 10 lbs in 3 weeks), worked out with a trainer telling my what to do and what to eat (lost 7lbs and been the healthiest I have ever been), So I have the tools and knowledge to better myself in that field, but I have not eaten the best. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I would stop being so hard on myself, and that's what my therapist has repeatedly told me. To stop being so hard on myself. Whether it be my body or being a mother, I just have to stop. You know how hard it is? VERY hard. So having this blog certainly does help keep my mind off things. It keeps me occupied. So whoever takes the time out of their day to read my stuff, THANK YOU. You have no idea how much this means to me, feeling like my voice is out there and people listen. Y'all the best. I hope you guys are having an amazing Sunday, I'm currently sipping on some iced team and watching football(go Niners!) (although I would rather it be baseball - huge SF Giants fan - proud of my boys!!) and Layla is taking a nap. 

So, in ending...I need to find my binder my trainer wrote up as a plan for me and look at it...maybe join a gym and go twice a week without feeling guilty for going. 

Tootles!

xoxoxo

Erin 

Today was a good day

Have I ever mentioned that I have the cutest kid ever? No seriously. She's spoiled too. I just realized that I dress her way better than I dress myself. I even made a tutu for her for our Christmas photos coming up. This is pretty much a picture post.

Told you! She's a cutie

What? I took a cool photo

Have I ever mentioned how much of a pain this material is? Well, it is.

Finished!

Showing the length. YAY GIANTS!

I also bought Layla this shirt to go with the tutu for the photos: You can find it here!

                                          Oh, and I just got her this shirt. Also found here!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Plaid shirts and tight jeans

It took me a while to find a style for myself. In high school I changed my style a lot. It was noticed by a fellow classmate of mine, I found it as a compliment. Now, I realize...I don't know what to do with compliments now. The past ten years I suffered seriously with low self-esteem issues. I honestly do not know what happened. It started with wearing a ton of shirts during a HOT day, and I mean c'mon wearing a lot of shirts in the heat living in Vegas is CRAZY. I know why I did this. I had big boobs, I didn't like it at all. That's where it could have started. I wore enough of shirts to make it look like I had smaller breasts. Crazy, eh?


Compliments? They make me uncomfortable. I'm not trying to be humble, I'm being honest. When you're more open with yourself you notice a lot more flaws about yourself, and when I receive compliments I would brush them off with a joke or I'd totally disregard it and don't agree whatsoever. I don't have the best memory anymore, but I do remember moments. My mom saying "you look skinnier!" I respond "It's probably because of the shirt I'm wearing", and again if someone says I looked skinnier I respond with a snide remark saying I don't really notice it, because really, I don't. By the way, why do people always judge you and compliment you on your weight/size? This is why I am so damn self-conscious. When I was working out in the beginning of the year, getting toned up and fit, I got a lot more compliments about how good I look and how good I'm doing for myself, ect. That made me feel GREAT. Yet, when I stopped, the compliments stopped. Yeah, that really boosted my confidence (sarcasm). You stop working out, the compliments and praises stop. What the hell is wrong with our world? I know we are slowly working on making people feel more comfortable in their own skin. Our generation has been tainted by magazines, Facebook, Instagram and other social media websites, making people look at pictures of pretty girls, handsome men, yearning to be like them. I know it is for me.

I want to be like this, I want this, I hate this apart me. It eats me ALIVE.

So I stick to bigger than my size (because I have big boobs) plaid shirts and jeans. That's my comfort zone. I dress like a tom-boy and there are days that I LOVE it, and days where I'm like, I should wear something nicer, but I still decide to stick to my normalcy.

What? I love my plaid shirts/cardigans and jeans. Obviously I am living in the wrong city, because it hardly gets under 50 degrees and it's 80 degrees 6 plus months out of the year. I guess I sweat it out.

In all honesty, I'm just trying to love myself, but it's really hard when you are your worst critic. We just shouldn't have mirrors at all.

Oh, off subject...I'm looking for models to add to my portfolio for my photography business. If we gain enough supporters then I might invest in a business license next. year. If you're in the Las Vegas area, and are interested, email me! Or comment on this post with your email. if anyone out there wants to, of course.

xoxoxo
Erin

Meetings with an outside circle

So, I told my therapist that I started writing a blog, as a therapeutic tool. I mean, not only will I be writing about my medical illness, but other things as well. Just wanted to put it out there that she was very proud of me. To put it out there and not be afraid of it, and raise awareness.

And on a random note, I've been listening to Taylor Swift's new album and I LOVE it. I love how she took the risk and out of her comfort zone. It really worked for her. Go TSwift!!


Tootles for now!


xoxoxo
Erin

Saved.

Some people turn to religion when you are in the lowest of the lows. Some people pick a darker path such as drugs, violence or alcohol.  I chose him.

He introduced me to what it is like to be happy again. Thank you Jason.



I told you guys I would post something happier. Did I succeed?



I'm not done with this blog. Not yet, I'm just getting started.

Random scrambled eggs and toast

I read a while back about a woman who was terminally ill with cancer whom has decided to end her life under Oregon's "Death with Dignity Act", and today she has passed away. Now, reading the comments about the breaking news of her death is heartbreaking. I wish some people wouldn't be so judgmental about someone in so much pain, and didn't want to put her family in pain, watching her suffering. Saying that she committed suicide, or should have fought harder, ect.  The committed suicide part is what bugs me the most.

She was in pain, serious pain. Would you like to spend one day in her shoes? How much pain she has endured? It was HER choice. Her family respected her choice.

Another thing that really bugs me, and this is still a sore subject because I am still numb to it. Robin Williams. He committed suicide on August 11, 2014. It was seriously one of the most heart-breaking celebrity deaths, but not to a lot of people. Some call him "selfish" or ask "why would you want to kill yourself when you have all this money?" Obviously, again, you haven't spent a day in his shoes.

He was suffering, mentally and possibly physically because he was in the beginning stages of Parkinson's disease. He was well-loved and appreciated and possibly one of the greatest comedians of our time. I remember back in high school theater I was told to watch his Inside the Actor's Studio because it was the best one they have had, ever. I watched it about a couple weeks after he had passed and laughed so much and cried as well. It was true. We lost a legend.  He was someone I looked up to in my theater days because I wanted a shot at comedy,

So, why did he want to take his own life? We will never know, but we can make our assumptions.  He was in and out of rehab for alcohol (which he was very open about), he had money problems, (possibly), or he was fighting his inner demons. We all have them, but sometimes we can fight them off because we are strong, some need a little help to fight them off, but others...they aren't as strong to fight them off. Or don't realize they need the help because they probably think that others have the same struggles as you so you don't think you need help. I didn't think I needed help until I was trying to take the trash out of the trash can and when I couldn't get it out I freaked out, kicked the trash can and ran into my room shaking because i was so angry I could have done anything. I know, that may sound like the stupidest reason to seek help, but it was a warning sign, and I was lucky enough to have someone stronger than me by my side to calm me down.

Robin Williams had his alcohol, of course it wasn't the right help, but it definitely made his pain go away. Make his demons go away, even just for a little while.

I had spent one year drinking my guts out because that's what numbed MY pain. My suffering. I could forget why I was there in the first place even if it was just for a night, but my friends helped me out a lot that one year, and I finally got my senses together and limited my drink. (If you're still wondering if I drink now, the answer is once in a blue moon...see what I did there?)

My inner demons started to build when I went through (what I believe) one of the most traumatic events of my life (so far). I went through a break-up. Don't laugh at me, because you think that's a lame reason to develop these demons, but it's true. You don't know who you truly are until you have gone through a harsh break-up. (well, at least i didn't).

Well, before I keep going further, I will attempt to make my point. FINALLY.

All I'm saying is, you don't know someone's suffering. Don't judge someone by the actions they make (whether they be the right or wrong) but maybe spend a day in their shoes before you think twice about calling someone who wants to end their life "selfish". Although it will never happen, because we have a thing called "social media" now, you can voice your opinions all you want without any repercussions and the world can't change over night.

By the way, if you know someone who is suffering from depression, or even just having a bad day, talk to them. Trust me, you never know what difference you might make in their life. I'm so thankful for the support I have, and some people might not even have that.

My husband mentioned something tonight about my blog who I really want to encourage. He wants to do a blog about being the outsider looking in. He has experienced alot in his life, and I want people to hear the other side of the story, Not just mine. I might get him to be a "guest spot" on my blog. I hope he does. I want to read the suffering i have put him through.


Tootles!

PS. Sorry for the long rant, and no photos today.


RIP Brittany Maynard & Robin Williams

A little late....but

Halloween Photos! My little babe was a nerd for Halloween (I know, original, right?!), but EVERYONE who laid eyes on her LOVED her costume and said she was the cutest they have seen. Is it bad that I love it when people say that about my child? I mean, WE MADE HER. I am pretty damn proud of it. Three posts in one night?! Sheesh!

 PS. These photos were taken by Michelle Clark Photography. I do NOT own these photos. All credit should be given to her, she's amazing PS, Michelle if posting these photos on here is not ok, please let me know!  I like to call myself a photographer, but when it comes to trying to take photos of my own child, it is DEFINITELY a task! Thanks for reading!

I just saw this on my Facebook timeline, and I love it.

Don't call the Suicide Prevention Line.

Like the titles says, please don't call the Suicide Prevention line. I'm not suicidal. Just read.

You know how when your therapist or psychiatrist asks you in the beginning of your sessions (like, in the real beginning when you start to fill out forms) if you have felt or are feeling suicidal? Well, I tell them no, of course not! Well, sometimes that's a lie, and I hate it. I don't like feeling that way at all, but sometimes I do. Not just randomly like "oh i want to kill myself" it's more like, they deserve better than what I can give. I hate myself (no really),I don't feel worthy for the life I have created and for the life I lead. Sometimes, I feel like a horrible person because one morning I cannot get up with my daughter because it's one of those "days". It use to be worse than this.

There are times, when things are the best they have ever been. I live off of those things and try to thrive on those moments, reminding myself that THIS is why we live. We live to make others happy, but for most of all (especially me) to make yourself happy. I'm not trying to say be selfish and buy everything and anything you want, I'm saying is that you need to feel like your life is the best it is, you need to feel like you belong in the life you live in . You can make yourself happy, slowly and surely.

Please don't judge me. Although I know some of you are. I can now say there is a reason to my madness, although sometimes I don't feel like it's the best for me, but it's true. I can finally say why I am the way I am, and not have to feel (too) horrible about it. I was recently diagnosed with Bi-Polar type 2 disorder and anxiety disorder. Although, you might not think it's a big deal, it is. Of course, it's not the worse of the two, but spend at least one day in my brain (especially not on my medication) then you MIGHT get why the first sentence in this blog is so important.  I get my highs, it can vary to feeling like I can do ANYTHING, to feeling very anxious and my brain is a scramble, it's like a REAL high, like when you're on some trippy drugs. My lows, however, are the worst. They are getting better over time, but sometimes (like recently), I get really bad (insert sad face right here). Just the other day, it took one moment before taking a shower and before taking my clothes off I took one look in the mirror and broke down and ran out the bathroom into the living room and started bawling, scratching at my arms, not knowing how to control my sadness. I was doing so well with my body, eating healthy, working out, being happy with myself and now I just threw it all away...all in a month!  It took a straight day and a half to get back to my senses. I know it's worse for others and I keep telling myself that, but I have to come to terms with it. This is ME, this is MY flaw and ME. This is what makes me unique.

I hide it to a lot of people (well, probably not anymore), because I don't want people to judge me. I hate being judge and criticized (I could never be a writer, HA! What was I thinking when I was in high school). I can't handle rejection very well, but I can reject all my loved ones easily. I am a hypocrite and the nicest person you will meet. All at the same time. I can put on a front and make you believe I am the happiest person and my life is amazing, but deep down inside, I want better for my family, I sometimes can't handle being a mom or wife and I just don't know what to do with myself because I LOVE food, but I don't want to gain weight, I sometime despise healthy food because it's not pizza. I hate being around people because they make me anxious, wondering if they're mentally judging or making fun of my looks, how I raise our daughter or when I pick my nose in public (well, honestly, I don't care about the last part). Before I started taking my medicine, I would go to the mall with my family and need to leave 20 minutes later because I would start having panic attacks and my anxiety would be at an all time high. I would post something on Instagram or Facebook and delete it in a few minutes because I was afraid people would poke fun at me, or judge me. I use the word judge alot. It's true. this is a real problem I have at times. I use to not care what people thought. In high school I was an AWESOME person, or so it seemed.

Anyways, I have written a lot for my first blog post. I guess you can see that this is a pretty deep and personal post but I honestly had to get it off my chest because I've been holding this in for a few months. This blog is going to vary from helping myself cope with MYSELF, to exploiting my family and friends (hehe, jk). Maybe I'll start doing a DIYer, because I need to teach myself to become creative. Well, here's my blog post. And here's a beautiful picture of my daughter and her best friend Dustin (son of MY best friend Christina - who also has a blog! Christinareid.blogspot.com. Tootles!

XoXoXo
Erin